Oh! Nay Nay!

Some of my favorite quotes from comedian John Pinette on diet and exercise:

• Since February, I've hired a trainer. I've had many since then. Some quit...some turn to drugs and alcohol.
• The trainer says to me, "You know, you're tired now. You're a little sore from working out. But, once you start you get addicted." I don't think so. I think I can quit this gym stuff any time I want. I got a lot of willpower. You're never going to find me in the exercise wing of Betty Ford...I can't stop.
• Then he says to me, "Give me a sit-up." I said, Oh, nay nay. I don't do ups. Ups defy gravity. Gravity is a law. I obey the law.
• When you go off the no-carb diet, you lose your mind. I went off a no-carb diet; a girl scout came to the door. She had cookies. I said, "Oooh, I think you're going to win the trip to Washington this year."
• The nutritionist asked, "Are you a vegetarian?" Well, not in the strictest sense. I don't eat veal, but he grows up.
• One nutritionist said to me, "The good news is, you can have all the salad you want." Whew, that is good news. I was nervous. I came in here thinking, please God, anything, but don't take away my salad. I can have all the mixed greens I want? Stop I'm getting excited. She wanted me to have salad as the food. No. Salad's not food...salad comes with the food. Salad is a promissory note that food will soon arrive. If my brain sees a salad it says, "Something good is going to happen soon, wait right here."

Check out John Pinnette at http://www.johnpinette.com.